Excerpt from:
Beyond the Birds and the Bees
The Secrets of Raising Sexually Whole (and Holy!) Kids
Introduction:
"I Suppose You're Wondering Why I've
Gathered All of You Here Today..."
Among the many difficulties parents encounter today,...one certainly stands out: giving children an adequate preparation for adult life, particularly with regard to education in the true meaning of sexuality.
- The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality.
The Pontifical Council for the Family.
Last month, your three-year-old asked you, "But how do babies get in their mommy's tummy?" Two weeks ago, your five-year-old son wanted to know why daddy has hair "down there" and he doesn't. Then there was last week, when your eleven-year-old daughter went to the bathroom thinking she had a stomachache, and suddenly began screaming in terror, "Mom! Help! I'm bleeding!" Just yesterday, you found a copy of Playboy under your thirteen-year-old son's mattress, and this afternoon--though you don't know it yet--your fifteen-year-old daughter is going to come home from school to tell you that she has been asked out on her first date. (Gasp! Clutch heart. Thud.)
While I sincerely hope that you will never have to deal with all of these issues at the same time, they raise an interesting question. In each of these cases, would you know how to respond in a loving, gentle, faithful way so that your children could learn--at your feet--how to become both sexually holy and sexually whole? Or would you start stammering and shifting in your place; your mouth dry, your palms sweaty, feeling slightly faint and desperately looking for either a stiff drink or a place to lie down--or perhaps, both?
Either way, there is no aspect of parenting that is more emotionally charged and emotionally challenging than dealing with and respectfully nurturing your child's developing sexuality. I believe it is doubly difficult for the Christian parent who--while wanting their child to develop his or her sexuality as fully as God intends--also wants their child to appreciate the responsibility and spiritual significance that attends that sexuality.
Pardon Me, Is There A Superhero in the House?
I have always thought how wonderful it would be if there was a superhero who could guide us through such treacherous waters of parenting. Whenever a difficult parenting situation arose, like any of the ones that began the chapter, we could tune into the latest episode of The Adventures of...FAMILY MAN! ("Faster than a runny nose! More powerful than two-ply toilet paper! Able to leap tall Lego towers in a single bound!") to marvel at how the caped-wonder of family life would deftly resolve family problems with a flourish.
Alas, this is not to be. But I believe that with the proper tools, each parent can be FAMILY MAN! or SUPERMOM! to their own children (the Boys and Girls Wonder). It is my hope that this book will be one of the tools that not only helps you sail over the crises that accompany your child's sexual development, but more importantly--to the degree that it is possible--prevent those crises from occurring in the first place.
But Do I Hafta?
Of course, we all know that we are supposed to prepare our children for adulthood. In fact, the entire point of parenting is to prepare our children to have healthy, adult, relationships (both with others and the God who made them). When it comes to teaching our kids about sex, though, there is a part of each of us that wishes we could weasel out of the job.
The other day, I told a friend of mine that I was working on a book about talking to kids about sex. Now, my friend is a very solid Catholic who takes his faith seriously and works hard to live it out in his family life, but at this topic, he started to smile ruefully and shake his head. "I'd like to see what you have to say about that." he said. " I was just talking about this with some of the people I work with." He added, only half-jokingly, " I know I can't do this, but there's a big part of me that wants to tell my kids to 'just go and learn it on the street like I had to.' My parents never talked about sex. Are you kidding me? I don't even know where to start."
Of course, my friend wasn't entirely serious, but his comments raise some excellent questions. Do we really have to teach our children about sex? Can't the schools do it? Can't they just learn it on their own? Or better still, won't their healthy, Christian sexuality just blossom on its own if I keep them in a bubble and never tell them anything?
I hope the answers to these questions are obvious (just in case, they are, "yes," "no", "no", and "no."), but to be sure, let's see what the Church has to say on the subject.
Sex education, which is a basic right and duty of parents, must always be carried out under their attentive guidance, whether at home or in educational centers chosen by them. In this regard, the Church reaffirms the law of subsidiarity, which the school is bound to observe when it cooperates in sex education, by entering into the same spirit that animates the parents. [emphasis mine]
~Familiaris Consortio
So the jury is in. The Church says that as far as the sexual education of your children is concerned, "You Da Man (or woman)!" Of course, with this right comes certain responsibilities. As parents, we need to properly form our consciences regarding sexual ethics, and also educate ourselves as to the best methods of nurturing our children's sexuality. To help you in this process, I offer the following ten points you'll need to keep in mind as you read through Beyond the Birds and the Bees. We will develop these points much more fully throughout the book, but I want you to know from the outset what to look for and keep in mind as you read through the chapters which follow. Likewise, each of the following points are either suggested by or taken directly from The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality (c.f., section 6.1).
Ten Tips for the Teacher.
(That means you.)
- Each child is different with regard to their level of maturity and intellectual capacity. It is up to you, as as parent, to be sensitive to the level of each of your children (i.e. avoid "cookie-cutter" methods, please) when sharing information about sexuality.
- Generally speaking, it is the father's primary responsibility to educate/model healthy sexuality to his sons and it is the mother's primary job to educate/model healthy sexuality her daughters. This is not an exclusive responsibility, however, as each parent has something important to teach each child regardless of gender. Even so, each parent must never forget his or her duty to be a good example and teacher of what it means to be a Christian man or woman.
- When talking about sex, we should always take care to connect it to its spiritual and moral dimensions. Sex is something that involves the whole spiritual, emotional, and physical person. It is not enough to give mechanical information. We must teach our children how to have an integrated sexuality.
- When correcting our children for inappropriate sexual comments, self-touching, or other behaviors, it is not enough to say "Don't do that!" We must avoid using corrective measures that give the impression that sex is something that is bad or to be feared. We must always give sensitive, moral explanations for why the behavior is wrong and be able to explain why the moral alternatives we are offering are better for the child's body, mind, relationships, and soul. This last point is of absolute importance.
- It is not enough to simply give information about sex and morals. We must be willing to serve as patient examples, teachers, and confidantes to our children on an ongoing basis. As our children's sexuality unfolds, we must play an active role at each stage, providing guidance and assistance. We must work to be sensitive and credible authorities on sexual matters in our children's eyes.
- We must teach our children to have a healthy respect for their own bodies, minds, and souls, and to have genuine respect for the bodies, minds, and souls of the people God puts in their path.
- The goal of all discipline should be teaching the child self-discipline. We must give the child the tools he needs to evaluate his own surroundings from a loving and faith-filled perspective.
- Chastity is not the same thing as repression. We must teach our children about the power, strength and joy that comes from self-mastery, and how the choice to be chaste increases their chances of having a happier marriage, a healthier life, and a more beautiful soul.
- Parents cannot do it all on their own. We must be willing to accept competent help from qualified sources. This includes reading good books on the subject of sexuality, and being willing to consult with experts in education, psychology, theology, and child development, when the need arises.
- In everything we do and teach, we must always keep in mind that God is working alongside us. His grace empowers us and our children to grow in virtue every day, and his mercy is there for us when we fail. Through prayer, and participation in the sacraments, we must constantly seek the Lord's guidance, and teach our children to do the same.
The above ten points represent a pretty tall order, but I promise that we will explore these themes throughout the book and give you many tools to help you make these ideals a reality.